Last Saturday when I got off the train at the FYFFEST I was struck dumb by a line that stretched nearly a mile for will call tickets. Clearly, I thought, I am not alone in my love for music being powerful enough to save the state parks (and the dwindling summer days) so many of us value. Everyone was downing their water bottles quickly, the sun, just as quickly, drying them out, in hopes that they didn’t misplace their metro tickets which meant:
“Take the Metro and bring your ticket to any drink station to receive a free water. Only valid Metro tickets tickets from September 5th will be accepted (http://www.fyffest.com/location.php).”
Or so their website claimed.
The line wasn’t moving and I was stuck standing with a mob of sweaty people salivating and going nowhere except to the curb and back to grab popsicles distributed by a group of fake breasted blonde things from the back of a MELROSE PLACE Hummer limo. Being a full time pedestrian in a city of gas guzzlers means that more than 3 bright and happy people schleping their way to an event via public transportation is nearly impossible to imagine, so this line with it’s unseen beginning point was almost enough to make me believe that something great was actually happening in Downtown Los Angeles. But with the fire still letting off a billowing mountain of smoke in the sky, the melrose place commercial in the foreground and no view of our intended destination in site… there was a hint of fish in the air.
It turns out we were all just a bunch of toons maliciously trapped in toon town by the great Sean Carlson in a high stakes game wherein all the people that paid beforehand to prop him up into a position of power get fucked in a way that does not provide a happy ending. Long story short – after waiting an hour and a half a guy came around and said the line was gonna speed up. Ticket handlers at this point had stopped checking lists and had just started giving people tickets. I got in. The security guy took my Spring Rolls at the entrance because Sean Carlson‘s toontown refuses to allow people any indulgences that may make them happier, keep them healthy, or qualify as basic human rights. The promise for free water was denied. The promise for gourmet vegan friendly food ran out and was replaced with kettle corn and stuffed potatoes. It was hot and dusty and there was little shade to be found. Beers cost seven dollars. Water cost three and was small and warm. I bought one anyways. Though the line was so log that we almost missed his set time, we found out quickly after entering that Dan Deacon, our main reason in going to FYFFEST in the first place, had canceled due to being sick and not making it to LA.
I went to check on the ins and outs policy but discovered that they were not allowed in spite of the fact that no one was even checking for tickets at this point.
So hungry, thirsty, and pissed off by the discovery that the park we were in was actually a landfill shoving toxins into my body at a rate only equal to FYFFEST’s ability to shove music into my ears and nothing into my mouth, we decided to peace.
On my way out I talked to many other disgruntled concert goers. Almost all of them were equally pissy. Our friend Ariel was taking notes all day. When I asked her to put them together into a response she had this to say; — “I waited on a line that was generated by a massive company with the power to get money from thousands of people before they even arrived. I then complied to throw out my water in it’s plastic cup into an overflowing trash bin. I then entered a music festival that advertised itself as a benefit for state parks. At this benefit only $1 per ticket was donated but every bottle of water cost $3 so that we were all one homogenous roaming advertisement for the massive company Arrowhead water. I then bought a child proof plastic bottled beer for $7 but in order to drink it I had to wear a wristband that advertised the massive company Coors. This is a short story about being trapped, after paying $25, inside a state park with overflowing garbage bins and one tiny water fountain where people waited to desperately refill their toxic plastic Arrowhead bottles. I am telling this story because not one festival employee understood what I meant when I said I have my metro ticket to use as a voucher for a free bottle of water. As an apology for the line Will Call had to wait in, Sean the concert organizer sends me an email via Ticketweb that says I can sign up to receive a free fucking tote bag to ADVERTISE this festival. Sean, I felt so deceived and disgusted at your festival that I left before I even got to see the band I came for because I couldn’t bring food in and I didn’t think it was a good idea to eat a two foot long bag of kettle corn for dinner after standing in the sun all day. Thanks for another reminder of how unlivable this corporate state is getting– all I could think about at this festival was, wow, look at all these people who bought the same exact thing.”
In case you weren’t there a the festival or bought your tickets at the entrance (therefore making it inside before anyone who bought their tickets pre-sale!!!@@@??) here is a copy of the email Ariel is talking about:
The reason that you are receiving this message is because you purchased a ticket in advance for the FYF Fest through ticketweb.com and were on the will call list which ended up being more backlogged than I ever could have imagined. I am very sorry to those that had to deal with the massive line for the first few hours of the event. Those long waits are something that will never happen again at the FYF Fest.
There is nothing more important to us than the comfort of concert goers to our festival, and so I want to make this up to each of you. We have set up FYF Fest Members Club. Think the Misfits Fiend club in the 81′ but not nearly as cool, but close. I want to show you (the attendee) how much we (the FYF Fest) care about you. Throughout the year, you will receive packages filled with all sorts of goods from tshirts, tote bags, posters, records, etc, along with information about discounted pre-sale tickets, etc.
Send an email to fyffest@gmail.com with “Members Club” in the subject and include your full name, address, birthday and email. You’ll be receiving a present in the near future.
Please forward this email to any of your friends that you went to the fest with and if you have any questions please send us an email at fyffest@gmail.com
I hope all is well with each of you and I hope to hear from you soon,
Sean Carlson
Founder of the FYF Fest
Sean – I truly honestly believe that email will help you maintain your credibility and it truly pisses me off. Now, for fucks sake, GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY
3 Comments
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Ouch, though to be fair, I can’t remember the last time I’ve ever heard anybody say ‘wow, I went to the _______ festival where we were corralled all day and charged a ton of money to get in and then buy their water and food, and I had a GREAT time!’ I’ve come to realize I just generally hate festivals like this… though this one does sound particularly bad.
were you expecting sean to hold your hand during your first music festival? how old are you? have you ever put on a music festival where 13,00 people attended (and you were expecting 10,000)? dude seriously, why dont you try mapping out a music festival with no budget and very little sponsors and a fucking legit line up and lets see what problems you come across.
SEABASS FEST 2010? i’ll expect cool 75 degree skies, an escort to the front of the line, chicken’s laying free bottles of water, a personal phone call from dan deacon (the human being) to let me know that he is too sick to attend, oh and seabass himself on the main stage at 6pm where he will recite the rant:
“FNOFFest.neveragain.epicfail.com – aka fyffest sucked”
please?
In general, I don’t normally go to festivals cause they usually are crap. If I do go it’s 90% the case that I have a free media pass. I only went to FYF Fest because the line up was decent and I thought what Sean was trying to do was a good idea. However, he failed miserably.